I Can't Go Back
by SilverDrama
Summary: There's a point when you see such unspeakables seen done at Hogwarts, that coming back as a student just doesn't happen.


**Why I Didn't Go Back Part I**

_By: SilverDrama_

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_"Hogwarts...well it's not really the same anymore"_

-Neville Longbottom

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I never went back to Hogwarts. I couldn't. When I was a first year, I saw my classmates be smart. When I was a second year, my classmates were brave. Third year they were loyal, fourth year they were joking until the end of solem solace. Fifth year we were intelligent, brave, ambitious, and loyal to the end. Sixth year was the year we were all tested. But in my seventh year, the enemy had total control. I was tested in everything I ever learned and more, but I couldn't fail.

My friends were tortured, some of the time, I was given detention, forced to torture them myself.

It's not the same anymore. They've removed the Dark Arts and only a sparing few, including the Malfoys, Death Eaters are free. I'm still scared, I saw curses used as punishments that Order members haven't _ever_ seen.

It's not the same anymore. Wandering the halls as a student those last days before I could take my NEWTs and leave, I was afraid to get in trouble. It was silly and I know the Carrows and the Cruciatus Curse, but it isn't the same. Seamus agrees with me. To Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who stayed until term's end, Hogwarts is their safe haven, but they haven't seen it like us. Sure, they've seen other things, some more horrifying. But nothing is more traumatic than seeing people like Seamus come back from a _detention_ like I'd come back from the Department of Mysteries.

It's not the same anymore. When I shut my eyes, I remember the pain so horrifying in detention where everyone would close their eyes without thinking.

It's not the same anymore. I can still see some spatters of blood on the wall. No one knows if it was from our detentions or the final battle. No one really wants to know. I had to get away from painted red walls. I had to get away from the uncertainty. I haave to get away from everyone telling me how brave and useful I was in the war; I didn't save Colin, Fred, and all the others.

It's not the same anymore. Before I left, Ginny, Luna, Seamus, and some others, we could look into each other's eyes, and something was missing. We weren't ourselves anymore. We weren't the same, and I just couldn't stay. None of were kidding ourselves, we couldn't go back to how it was. Luna and Ginny eventually went back, I can't blame them. Luna and Ginny still know the nice Hogwarts, the one before Harry began winning. The one before things got out of hand. The one were sometimes you could pretend that it wasn't happening. I was there for everything.

It's not the same anymore. Those of us who hid in the Room of Requirement understand, we were bended and tortured into a small room with hammocks waiting for a classmate to show up. It's not the same anymore, and being a student there, it just isn't the same. I've rebelled at Hogwarts, graffitied it, rioted, and consipered inside of Hogwarts. I couldn't go back.

_It's not the same anymore_.

I'm coming back as a teacher soon, Herbology. I don't know if I can wander the halls and hold my want to graffity the halls again, write the words: Dumbledore's Army, Still Recruiting. I think I'll always feel that way. It hasn't been a safe haven for a long time, and I'm not fooling myself, I'm not returning for fun, I'm not returning for old memories, because I honestly don't remember good memories when I first think of Hogwarts, I can remember them when I think about it, but every happy memory leads back to the days I was in hiding, so I tend to try to not think of them.

It's not the same anymore. I went back to apply for the Herbology position. It's the way it used to be when I was a kid: innocent and unknowing. It creeps me out a bit. To see seventh years running down the halls like I did, for very different reasons.

They're healing Hogwarts. I know they should, I know it's right, but it's not the same anymore. Snape's portrait hangs in the Headmaster's office. Harry insisted it, most were against it, but Harry seemed to be confident in Snape, like Dumbledore.

It's not the same anymore. Children who get detentions, they polish the plaques in the trophy room, plaques that are dedicated to the DA, or the Order. Plaques dedicated to those who lost their life in the pursuit of peace. Those who lost their lives so everyone could move on, not remember.

It's not the same anymore. I went back to finish school, and to teach, but it's not the same anymore. I can see it in Harry's eyes a bit. When he's the swamp in Hogwarts still, but the decrees gone. Hogwarts isn't the same anymore. It's safe, secure, and fun. It's not the same anymore. And I can feel it in the eyes of others who knew Hogwarts too.

Hogwarts isn't the same anymore.

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**AN: **There are several people I think wouldn't go back to Hogwarts and people I know didn't. I know Ron didn't go back, I'm pretty sure Harry didn't, but I can't find a reliable source, I don't think Neville would've, come back, and I'm still debating about Dean and Seamus. R&R please! (Was it bad? Was it good? Why?)


End file.
